Hello all, welcome back to another blogpost and in this one we are gonna get deep and talk about mental health. I think this post is gonna be heavy so if you're not normally into this kinda stuff it's probably best to give this one a miss.
In the summer of 2018 I was diagnosed with clinical depression, I really wasn't surprised as ever since I was a child it was obvious something wasn't right. For instance, on a Sunday I would get so down and just lie in my bed and nearly cry all afternoon at the thought of having to get up and leave the house for school the next day, this was at age 8 so it was not healthy for a young child.
Things really spiralled out of control when me and my recent boyfriend split up, however that was probably the best thing to ever happen to me and here is why.
Before the split I always relied on other people for my own happiness, I believed that without them I couldn't be happy, whether it be a best friend, a boyfriend and so on. When I was with my ex I had recently lost my best friend so he was everything I had, therefore I put my everything into that relationship and this is okay to do, however I had told myself that this was my only source of happiness in my life, therefore when it was over I was broken.
For weeks I didn't go to sixth form, I wouldn't leave my bed, my mental health was at its lowest and I thought it was going to be this way forever, I cut myself off from almost everyone just to avoid the erruption of pain I believed my mental health would cause.
It is okay to wallow and be sad however I think it is also important to not take it to an extreme, I had been through break ups before, serious ones so I knew that this wasn't the cause, I knew the cause was in my own head. I decided to go to the doctors and get medication, I got put on 20mg of citrolopram which lifted me however this was not enough.
I remember the day it got better was the day I decided that I controlled my own happiness. That I had to find it within myself and that I could only ever rely on myself to bring happiness. I found myself to be more outgoing and bubbly, I met loads of new people yet never found myself relying upon them being there, I went out loads and kept telling myself that I am enough. I guess there is no true moral here, I just wanted to put it out there that you can control your own happiness as long as you find it within yourself first. Please never rely on anyone else to bring it to you, they are just emphasising the happiness you already hold, it is amazing what a difference having a new mindset can make. I am so grateful for all my new friends who support me when I am down, but I would definitely say I am a different person from who I was last summer.
Please email me if you have any questions at lucyxsifford@gmail.com
Thank you very much for reading and I'll be back to my usual style next week.
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